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Submitted on
April 19, 2011
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  • Listening to: the yelling my family does
  • Reading: the mood my mom give me
  • Watching: my self dead
  • Playing: with my life
  • Eating: the word my mother says
  • Drinking: the shit my stepdad says
I just want to die right now.


My family is just so messed up.

I need money....
I need a job.....
I need love....

So many people have it worst maybe I’ m an ass for complain
I should get over this idiotic thought of killing my self.
For years my family has made me feel like shit.....


I felt fat over weight and stupid old ugly

It was because that’s what my family would call me
My older sister who is now dead use to say “I don’t think you will make it in college”
My mother would follow with this “College???? I don’t think you’ll make it in High school. You will drop out and only be able to spread your legs like a slut.”
I might sound like an idiot but after a while she was nice to me when I was 16 my sister called me saying "move in with me. don't tell mom you know she will get mad..."
I was kind of happy I thought yes no more sadness my dream came true....

I was scared did she need me or did she want to use me....
At home was hell but my sister had been thru it too.
But as time passed we got closer I had grown a bond with her
I was so happy for the first time I felt like we were sisters...
I wanted to be cool like her....
Then she past away in moment I thought I had family....
Words in my head.
Bitch
Idiot
Whore
Fuck
Motherfucker
slut
shitface
ugly
dickface
pimple
face
Fat bitch
Four eyes
Free bitch
Complete failure
Good for nothing
Fat ugly nose just like your dad
You have lazy eye like your father
Ugly hair
Ugly body
Falt ass
Bad nose
Your father never love you he looked at you and frowned saying you not his daughter
He would thru you at the wall.
Worthless bitch
I have long list of more but the names make my skin crawl….
Sometimes she looks at my face and says “your face is ugly.”
“Your so fat damn your fat like a pig you have man hands.”

I wear thick sweaters they are warm but even in hot weather I live in a place where it’s hot and cold all the time depending on where you’re at…. One second its hot then cold…..
This man will ask “why do you have a thick sweater on? No wait your family must make fun of you ready.”

I never meet my father he left me before I could crawl.

I would eat away in my room from the stress thinking I was fat

When I was not fat at all just tall but I would look in the mirror and see a fat ugly person


So I ate like an idiot thinking I was fat

How wrong I was I look back and in the piture I see a stick skinny person small and very pretty….
I look at my self now fat I feel I so stupied why did I BELIVE THEM WHY?


My step father one night was grabbing me my breast and privet part

I woke up in shock scared we were alone in my small one room house my mom was out of town
I was scared he would rape me so I didn’t say anything I was so scared I had no idea what to do I could not call the cops the country I live in was so messed up….
I was alone scared I remember I took it ..
The next moring I went to the bathroom to srub my ‘dirty’ skin till it hurt…
The fact was it didn’t hurt to srub it hurt my heart how I tell my mom

I mean would you like to tell your mom hey mom your husband the father of my little brothers and sister is a child mulster her likes me he cheats on you.
He helped pay the rent and for so many thing
I thought where will my baby sister go right now

To live in the streets.
I held it in for years never told a soul

I WAS SO SCARED
I FELT LIKE I WAS A WHORE NASTY PERSON WHO DIDN’T DISERVER TO LIVE
I DREAMED OF DIEING
If I’m dead or if I kill myself I will keep my mom from a heart break
My little brothers and sister in a warm house and they won’t lose their dad and mother or have to know such a sad truth…
Then after a while of sexual harassment
He would rub my leg or breast when no one saw

He would be having sex with my mom
Yes I have seen people have sex in front of me my mom and step dad… from as long as I can remember
While he would be having sex with her
He reach over my bed and grab my breast….
I felt sick

I felt like I was a whore worst shit in the world..
I was molester for years I felt every day the urge to kill myself…
I was dark
gloomy
miserable

Then one day I was just so tired of my mom saying “why do you hate your dad so much? You act like if you like him do you want my husband do you want to fuck him you whore?”
“No.”  Tears run down my cheek.
“well everyone thinks you do fucking slut trying to sleep with my husband.”
One morning I woke up he was waking me up with his dirty fuckin hands …
I stood up and told him “I’m tell mom you molester.”
“No sorry don’t tell her you know what will happen.”
“No its over today she will know.”
I felt so happy scared happy sick dirty..
My mom got home
I have so much trouble telling her I was not ready to tell her….
Who is ready????

After a while I said “Mom……”

She got so mad at him she asked me over and over if he raped me
I said no
She asked it so many time I to thought he raped me….
But he didn’t….
Still she didn’t leave him not that I expect it
Everything was back to normal

Like that
How do I know that well I think it has to do with the fact that my older brother tried to rape me too but she blamed me for that…
13 thru 17 I was molested by that fucking idiot…
I have not been raped yet but up to date three people have tried my brothers friend my brother my stepfather.
All the men in my life or only men in my family have tried it….
My mother has been a fucking bitch to me…
When I was five a girl kissed me….
No I didn’t like it I was to young I didn’t know what kissing was never seen my mom and dad kiss or anyone.
Every time they could my family called me a lesbian ….
I don’t like girls like that I don’t hate girls but I don’t like girls…
So you know how much it hurts to be called something your not….
I grow up In a house full of boys so I was kind of a loud mouth….
My older brother who I Forgave he never tried to rape me again….
He raised me and my younger brothers….
My mom was at work he raised my little broken family.
I never had a boyfriend
I’m so shy
I hate myself
I don’t believe guys who like me…..
What’s to like?
This guy doesn’t like me he only wants to fuck me….
I’m too ugly to love all they want are one night stands.
I think if they get to know me they will hate me.
He will look at my face and say “what an ugly girl.”
I felt shame If they ask “I am your first to touch you?”

What do I say “no my brother step dad and friend molested me.”
I always say “give me your number I’ll cal”
I don’t say no
to not sound stuck up…
Secretly my heart says I will call them Give it a chance….
I never have the courage to do so…
Still I have been asked all I can think is I’m not good enough all the things form before run thru my head.

What if he is like my step father?
No days I still get mad when I see his face I hate him for making me fell like shit Like I don’t have the right to live
I hate him for messing my mother up with his evil heart.
I have this great hate in heart that hate him for messing up my childhood I lost my innocent eyes mind at 13 after that I thought all men are the same….
I hate my mom why did you remarry Why not just raise us me and my sister and brother why marry and have more kids when you can’t even give us the right care…..

It was all happy even if my life was poor I was happy you know I use to see him as my real dad I thought this is my dad
I would not see him a lot when I was younger but I thought he is dad
At 11 years old I moved in to live with him and my family I thought “This is a father yeah so happy I have a dad”
I was five when my sister told me he was not my father…. I was so sad…
But I like him
In third grade my whole class made a ‘shirt’ it was all fun then realty hit when she said give it to your dad my heart broke ‘I have no dad’ I cried with all my heart….
But I tried to forget forgive but my heart turns black and dark to think of him.
I hate what you did to my family
My brother’s hearts broke
My mother was broken…
I hate my real father for giving up on me and my brother
I think it’s your fault I have to suffer I’m so poor I have no father…
My mother hates me
She says I’m the family shame…..
I have no mother
I have no grandmother or grandfather
I have no outside family
I have no friends
I have no one who loves me.
Girls are such bitches talking bad about me.
Saying I want their boyfriends saying I hit on them…
Come on I don’t know how to flirt if my life depends on it….
I have shitty pants and shirts when I walk in a store people think I’m going to steal from them because I look poor…
They give this look….
I might be poor but sure as hell don’t steal never ….

Guys are alright I mean I like them but I still don’t trust them
some hit on me
some bully me
some are rude
some are really nice
I have had guys friends
I have had girl friends but moved a lot and can’t hang out with them anymore…
I have moved to much…..
I have had nice teacher who have said nice things to me
Once they called me smart or you did good
I feel so happy

Wow someone said a nice thing to me……..
Thank you Mr. Nunez
Thank you ninth grade teacher…
But I have one teacher who thought I stole a chocolate from them he made me cry so much
Why would I steal from you teacher I like you I look up to you I respect you?
I was so disappointed. I felt really sad my tears made me look like I did rob him...
I might be poor but I don't steal...
Not even in days I go with out food...

One day all the kids in my class got together to say "why is your hair so ugly, can't you fix your hair..."
they sad I was poor or that a guy has better hair then me...
I never felt like fixing it.
How do I explain this when your depressed you don't want to do shit....

I never had sex never did drugs never drink or smoked never party never do bad things but I feel worst then if I was the worst slut in the whorld I feel I'm more ugly then anyone

I was going to run away today
I was willing to die today
I went to buy bleach
I wanted to drink it but I came to write this….
I want to die I want to go to college I want to live far away from my family I don’t want to see there faces the people who hurt me I want to hide in a rock I want to be a doctor and help children I want to be happy and smile a real smile I want to live my life I want love to trust…
I want to be happy I really do please I do but I feel so useless I want to go back to the united states I want to love I want to forgive and  forget I want my mom and me to talk again I want too. HAVE MY DREAMS COME TRUE.

I want to love myself feel happy in my skin my face my body my mind…
I want to love myself I want
I want to be pretty beautiful I want to be smart
I want love again…..
Sorry for my spelling if anyone care and reads sorry for making you read my idiot dairy of secrets no one knows most of it is still in my head.....
I fell a bit better now That I Confessed myself.
:iconskinedkneesjuliet:
skinedkneesjuliet Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011
trust me you are worth something. and one day someone will meet you and know it, that person will love you for the person you are and for everything you've been through. everyone deserves to feel loved, i know it.
Reply
:iconhibariaddiction:
hibariaddiction Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011
Thank you very much I just feel I might not be that kind of person
Reply
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